Thursday, October 06, 2005

,Rambling and Ranting....

This post is primarily for me. It's not funny...not witty....and definatly totally for me. The more I talk to friends and women i've discovered that post partum depression runs rampant! Yes, most of us can get a little "hormonal" after having a baby, but there are quite a few of us who become deeply deeply affected (i'm not talking about drowning 5 kid affected.)

Those of us that have had hard pregnancies, infertility, preemies...etc most often, than not, don't come home with our babies right away. Were any of you offered a therapist after the birth, other than a social worker?

Those of you with normal pregnancies...who were completely out of it, did your spouses or significant others notice anything different?

I just feel I'm at a loss for answers. I realized two years after the birth and 10 surgeries on my baby later, that I had suffered severe depression. No one saw it. How couldn't they? It affected me for years afterward. Ugh.

Ok...that was just a brief somthing that has been going on in my brain.

We're good for each other. I realize after all this and all our blogging babe posts that so many of us have just been through the same things. Maybe we all haven't been through the same thing, but once we see we're not alone...somehow it helps. We don't need a babysitter to type in our blogs...even though it would be We can just hop on...say that we all have crappy, kid screaming...bad hair...mother in law moments...and days when we just feel fat. :)

Yes, I use the word OK quite a bit. I'll work on it.
I'm off!


Jewl said...

Emmy was very early, as you know... you have been there done that as well. I was never offered anything...even after we found out about the Brain Bleed, nothing. My PPD was so severe that I hallucinated (No vitmains going cure that!). I was scared to tell anyone, who wants to tell anybody something so awful? Nobody noticed anything because they thought I was stressed and overtired from Em being in the NICU, which of course I was. BUT, nobody prepares you for PPD. I felt like a horrible, horrible person and mother. Not until after I had been through it(and thanks to Brook Shields), did I realize that it was normal. I wish though that I had Professional help and hadn't been afraid to ask for it. I wish that it was more of an open topic among women so we understood, helped each other through it, and knew it was normal and not to be afraid to seek help. I wish the doctors made mother's to be aware of PPD and what is really is... I think if that were the case a lot less women be afraid, ashamed, and willing to get the help they need.

I still struggle with how I felt when I had Emmy. It makes me wonder if I want to have another. I still feel ashamed of what I thought, how I felt, and saw in my head... At least now I know that is normal and if it happened again I could seek help knowing those facts.
I LOVE Blogging. Yeah, I don't always write or leave comments but just knowing that my Circle of BB's are out there... Well, it helps in so many ways. I never have had much of a hobby before and this has been the best thing that has happened for myself in a long time...

Liza said...

I don't have any babies of my own so I can't share in anything like that at all, but it brings about a whole new idea of post partum to me and I hope that you're hanging in there and finding some sort of comfort or answers :) *hugs*

ThoughtsGalore said...

Liza..I know I got deep, but it's just been quite a time. You'd think after 4 years I would have forgotten, but I think life is different afterward.

Jewl Therapy has done me wonders. Zoloft a great doctor...tons of talking with someone who is honest with me has changed my world. Thanks for sharing so much sweetie. xoxo. wouldn't have done anything for me.

Jewl said...

LOL... Wow, I wrote a book last night!
I was on Paxil for a long time before I got pregnant because I was TTC for 9 years. I gained about 25 pounds on that stuff! No way am I going back on anything in that family!! I am doing pretty well now actually... As Well as I ever am....LOL

[Mat] said...


It really does shed a whole new light on pregnancy and birth and all. My gf just got pregnant and well, knowing that situations like that happen, maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to help her if it happens.

Guys(or should I say girls) thank you so much for sharing. I'm reading as much as I can on that subject and getting input like that from people who went through it is ... well... Unvaluable.

There is a black part in the human brain and we get it in control with rules, conventions, normality and such. I still think that a human is capable of the worst. It's in us.

But, we're also capable of the best.

I really wish you girls to be happy. And you really touched me. Be strong.

Wethyb said...

Honey don't I know how you feel! You know how hormonal I've been lately. My hubby did notice that I was acting differently. He can tell when I'm feeling down and is usually pretty good about things. And you're right, all of us blogger babes are good for each other and I'm so glad to have found you and all the rest of them!!!

Hugs!! Have a good Friday!

Mama Duck said...

I had the "Baby Blues" pretty badly after Daughter #1 and thought I might be working on PPD with Daughter #2 (as it turns out I just had too much on my plate for a few weeks and flipped out...I'm good now). My DH is far more in tune with what I need than I am actually, wild, huh? It's true though, he's a fantastic supporter and encourager (shhhhh...don't tell him I said that...he'll stop working so hard at it!!!).

Laina said...

You are so right! Sam wasn't early, but he did have to stay in the NICU for a few days, and I still lay awake some nights and run over in my head what I might have done differently when I was pregnant so it wouldn't have been that way. Medication and therapy definitely helps, but it took seven or eight months for me to realize that what was going on with me was more than just normal hormonal stuff.

ThoughtsGalore said...

Mama and Jewl
My hubby is in tune now too. I was young with my first. I just turned 25...and knew nothing. I had so much on my plate, too and trying to be Super Woman. Ughhhhh didn't really work very well.

It's hard not going home with your baby.

Mine is a great supporter as well. This whole roller coaster of a life...moving, marine corps, wars..not to mention my's a tough one.

Dr. Calm told me something very wise when I first met him. He said life didn't have to be so hard. Asking for help is ok. Imagine that! I do have the up and down a he has done wonders to help me. :)

I do love all our blogger babes.'ll be a fabulous Daddy and Partner.

Laina!!!! That's exactly it! I'm convinced we can still be suffering 1-2 years in before we realize we're really not ok.

Beth..I'm sending you a huge hug.

Ok my lovlies...I just wanted to share what was in this crazy brain of mine. Yes...way too deep.

Thong, Boobies....poop.

Peanutt said...

It is nice to be able to hop on here and somehow, it does make you feel better!! Thanks for being around C!!

ThoughtsGalore said...

P...I'm glad you're around too.

jlybn123 said...

I'm sorry that you've been through such a struggle. You had every right to feel the way that you felt. Though, I haven't been in your shoes, I can only imagine how it must have felt, you have to be pretty strong!

LizzieDaisy said...

Alrighty, you asked for it. I think I had PPD after my second and my third, but when I got pregnant with my fourth, it was rough sailing from the beginning. I was already worried about my moods and not sleeping. I hemmoraged (not looking that up, sorry) at 11 weeks and they sent me home to miscarry. Nice. I stuck it out, but bled on and off the entire rest of the 30 weeks I carried her. She spent 39 days in the NICU and almost died. It was awful. My hub and I were having problems to boot. My OB put me on Paxil before I left the hospital, but unfortunately, I thought about OD'ing anyway and did two weeks outpatient of my own free will. They switched me to Wellbutrin. I found out ON MY OWN 9 months later that I was/am most likely bipolar, so the Wellbutrin sent me completely out of whack and I did OD on sleeping pills soon after. Anyway, it's all very depressing. My life was a disaster and noone, including me, had any clue what was the matter. The counselor they'd sent me to was trying to tell me I should try golfing. Yeah. Not that I don't like it... hee.

Anyway, I'm fine now, but only because I was momentarily with it enough to get on the web and do my own research on my symptoms. Even the 2 day (man was my hub mad about that) stint after OD'ing didn't get me help. Geesh. I have very little faith in doctors and mental health professionals, outside my own.

Matt, do keep an eye on your gf. I don't think it'd EVER be as bad as all that... but I think most women get a little PPD, and anything you can do to help afterward will make a big difference. Just being there to help out (my hub was not around for a full month after I brought my daughter home who was stopping breathing still a good 8 times a day), holding her, talking with her... makes all the difference in the world to know you aren't doing it alone and that you aren't a big fat piece of poo to your so. You're just so tired and icky feeling, even if you aren't clincally depressed.

Well, that was a book and probably TMI, but it bums me out to see that about every one of my friends (all moms) is on some sort of anti-depressant, but everyone is so worried about getting counseling or talking about how they feel. Get over it. Life is stressful when you're trying to do it all!! :)

And me, I just got a bum rap and am stuck with my little dx.

ThoughtsGalore said...

Ok TMI from me too, but I don't care. Here's the thing. With hubby's first deployment...i was young. Out of college and didn't have a clue about anything. My Mom is totally manic/dep. I grew up with that. There was no way in the world that "I" was going to have even the slightest bit of that!
You know?

So this happened and boom. I was taking care of my sick baby...Single momming it...and working. I ended up with a therapist who put me on prozac. The problem was...if you have any bipolar tendencies at all then you are fucked. I had a total and complete breakdown. Only then with a good doctor did I discover those Anti-Ds screwed up my entire system. If you're BiPolar and need an anti D you also need something to regulate the mood, so you don't go too high...or too low.

I have Dr. Calm now. He is a wonderful wonderful therapist. I called him the other day because I thought I was losing it. He said..."Ugh Christie you just sound angry." (Me being the people pleaser..what is now...kind of woman. )

I just sat there and said, " I know what angry is all about. " LOL!

Oh yes...I'm a handful. I'm not crazy, but those damn genes that I got are sure fussy. It's totally amazing how sharing and just talking can help you realize that everything is going to be ok. I swear it.

I'm the constant listener. Everyone calls me for every. Now, instead of being Super Woman...I'm just me. I feel soooo much better. Life is good...and you know I cry so much less. That's a good thing.
Yes a book and tmi..but I don't care. :)

Dottie said...

Christie, you are definately not alone! I was fine after DD#1 and DS #1 but after DS#2 I had PPD and didn't know what it was or recognize it. I didn't have awful thoughts towards myself or my children, I just couldn't get it together no matter how much I tried. I was tired and incredibly sad all of the time. I was able to finally realize what was going on and get meds, felt 100% better and then had an unexpected pregnancy. Once I had adjusted to that, I miscarried and we realized we wanted another baby. I didn't allow myself to deal with the miscarriage emotions and rejoiced in the new pg. It wasn't long before my moods were all over the map and as soon as Lilli was born and I weaned her, it was back to Lexapro for me. I thought I was better and took myself of the meds. NOT BETTER so back to the meds again. Things are looking brighter around here for me but I have got to stop taking responsibility for everything and everyone, trying to make everyone happy and forgetting myself in the process!

This time DH started to recognize it and gently persuaded me to seek treatment. I hate that so many of us suffer in silence, thinking that we can handle it all! We just simply can't always do it all ourselves. I hope all is getting better for you and I can't live without Diet Coke either! It is a MUST have around here!