Ode to Alcohol...Via My Favorite 24 Year Old Single Girly!

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be
there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not
want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but
why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter
chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion
and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a
Kit Kat, after a few sweet chilli and sour cream
red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance,
I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously
the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for
our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor
with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
& in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now & would like to ensure that we remain on
good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories,
the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with
the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue
this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more wine for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing