Curves and more curves...

I'm working on the curves. I guess they're good? What the hell was I talking about yesterday? My tummy is in knots. The fingers know it all. The secrets, the good, the joy, the pain...the me I don't know if I"m sure I want to face. Hmm. Now there's a thought.

I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to take a good hard look, but you know...the fear, the risk...that's when I've heard the greatest reward comes. Ugh! The throat is getting tighter!

Ok, so here's the thing. If I'm supposed to be the great friend, funny, wonderful, bright, cheery, blah blah...person...why do I accept crap. I know I'm worth more. I guess the thing is..I thought I found more. Lol. Funny. "It's ok Christie...Share...Don't be afraid...I know you never share you hold it in....it's ok....you can tell me anything.!!!!" What a fucking fool. It was all in the eyes. My heart needed to trust it...and so my brain followed.

And life goes on.....

Mmmm my coffee...

Ok, so here's what I'm really thinking this morning...

My coffee is good. Finally, a little coffee to enjoy. Something good to relax with while I wait to take the boy to school. Finally all of them will be back at school today.

My girly girls were off...and my boy is watching his tivo'd show while he waits to go to school. Z is kicking in and the coffee is accelerating all of it. What a few days. Yeah and some cinnamon coffee pops in my head. I need it to stop. What a fucking few years.

I got on the scale. What a sweet smaller number. No B&P. I did my yoga. Funny thing is my focus on self isn't even there. All these years the body has been my focus along with all the other selfish stuff...and now after being sick, the bd..and being the perfect damsel...the body once again is falling perfectly into balance. It always does. No throwing up this time. I hold my own power. I'm so mad. Hurt. Mad. Hurt. Mad. Hurt. Mad. No more Bullshit. I choose to walk away.

I always said I wanted to be the "one". The chosen one. Well, you know...I choose me. I say it...i don't quite believe it yet. I'll say it more and it will sink in. I miss my other half, though. That part no one can deny. I just have to move past it.

I'm hoping the writing will be cathartic.....
Xoxo
C

Suprises..

As my heart was breaking and I was having the pity party of all pity party I found a friend and someone to listen in the strangest of places. She listened, she heard me...she wanted to hear me. Thank you.

yoga...

I think I just need a little yoga....a nice glass of shiraz...and a little music.

When daughters become the mothers....

The calls, the complaints, the words come across....

She doesn't want to be here anymore. She feels that badly in her world.

Now what. It breaks my heart.

Curves...

Life has pefected the art of throwing curves when we most need them. It's easy to think it may be when we least need them, but those curves can save our lives. The gutt wrenching, breath taking, tear causing, emotional charged curves that run in the middle of our lives when we don't want or need them...are the same curves that can stop heartache in it's track.

The heart. We all want and need love. Is that our purpose? To find and to love. To love our children, our partners....ourselves. Only by knowing and feeling true unconditional love are we able to spread the compassion and carry on in life as good people.

Lots of pain has led the fingers to those words. It's time for honesty with myself. I know it's not about me....but you know....I need to start somewhere. No more Bullshit! I won't tolerate it!
Even as I type that I'm full of shit. I miss my sl. I miss everything. I don't know how to do this.
xoxo
C

Numb

I've just lost my best friend, or so it feels. I'm numb. Did my world stop? Was I dreaming? Am I that bad? There are no words. I'm just numb. Ugh. I'm sick. My pit is there. My lump is in the throat. I miss my friend already.

Those little stickies are lined up in front of me...

This morning they don't hold the key to my inner thoughts. The stickies have my notes of things to do! The fuzzy brain thoughts way more fun to read on a sane brain. I'm boring for a change. LOL. I don't know if that's a bad thing, actually. For me, it might be a nice little breather. I'm sure It's only for the next hour or so as the coffee hits. I'm feeling a little pmsy, if you get the picture and not quite firing on all cylinders....soooooo the coffee will be hitting here in and i'll be awake.

I love the morning coffee, The yoga, The paper, and the ocean breeze (which i left in san diego, but i digress.) I just love the mornings. I made a birthday cake yesterday for Sammy's bday and my baby turned 4! Wow. His party will be the blow out next weekend. Girls are easy. Princesses and barbies and they're fine. He's got the whole Wiggles/GI Joe mix of Boy thing going. He's all boy, but he loves those Wiggles. My boy...:). Until later....when I actually have some good and juicy to say...bye for now...xoxo C

Toning it down....????

Hmmm now there's a thought. I think I've been toning it down and hiding all the good stuff inside of me my entire life. My fingers seem to know something I don't on the creative good feeling days...:)

Yellow stickies are baaaaaaack....!

Ok. I'm really back. I'm feeling like the fast paced Christie again. I'm feeling good. The fingers seem to know quite a bit this morning. My coffee is awfully good, too and the best part...no more checkbook and money balancing because the hubby is home. LOL. "Christie, I make a shitload of money. Between your mani and pedis, hair and highlights, plus all the other extras that total 25oo a month..lol after the bills...you need to tone it down." The story of our marriage. Ok, but for the record..I have bought two homes while he's been deployed and sold one...and we're not a debt heavy couple. It's just too much pampering me while he's gone I guess and house stuff .... oh well. LOL. I know I know...If this is the worst thing I can complain about I have it pretty good. I'll tone down on the $45 Pedicures! Ok?! LOL. THat's right friends, the fingers are flying. I'll check in later...bye for now.

I'm back....

So he's back and things are back to normal. When I say normal...I mean the good and the normal. I'm anxious...and not sure what to feel right about now. My tummy is in knots and it sucks, but so is life. I have a great one, but it has it's moments. That's an understatement.

My brain has been less fuzzy lately. The bursts seem to come and go, but much less up and downing. So that is a very good good thing. :)
Until next time...
xoxoxo

Queen of procrastination

Touch up paint, washing the sheets, laundry...all these last minutes things. I"ve only had 10 months to have everything put together. I put so much pressure on myself to be this perfect person.

I have discovered that I'm the "smiler." I have made it my job to make everyone happy. I am not going to do it anymore. It doesn't work. It's not my job.

I am excited today, though. :)

You know you're soooo not manic when...

You know you're manic days are subsiding when you don't have endless postings on the Blog. :)

I'm actually getting ready for T to come home from Iraq on Friday. So, I"m getting the house together, giving him back his dresser drawers, and listening to a little Maroon 5 and John Mayer.

I'm in that reflective mood. I'm not sure where my day is going. I love that lyric.."She will be loved...she will be loved." I know I am..but sometimes I just need to feel it wrapped around me, feeling it, touching it...feeling it while sitting on a deck somewhere having a cup of coffee, and feel that part of my soul just open up to let the love flood in. Ok, the thoughts are flooding. I was wrong. The words are here. I just wasn't listening to the thoughts. Love is here.

Manic Manic Moment...

Here's an "embracing my insanity moment." I was at a little play date at my girlfriend's house today, when my cell starts ringing. First it was "She's a Brick.......House...she's mighty mighty.." That got some laughs. Then, it was "Who can it be now.....who can it be now," which was my Mom. Right after that my phone started singing, "California Dreaming on such a winter day." Ok...I was left to explain. I casually told them that when their husband leaves points unknown in the war, and they're up until 2am with the new dose of Z...then we can talk! LOL....I'm owning it the I these days. :)

At least I can laugh....

Stickies or a PDA

I will be the first to admit that my post-it notes are taking on a life on their own. I'm love them. The only thing is I figured out that when I'm out in publice, for example enjoying a latte while the kids are at school, I look a little nutty with all my little notes. So....a PDA came to mind.

I just don't feel the flow of writing with the PDA, let alone the fact that I can't even manage to get the correct date on it. I'm not that inept, either. I am working on my website for my little business, I can use my cell phone and the gadets..but the PDA is a whole other complicated thing. Well...just a thought. I could always be like my husband and multitask with it for our sex life and appointments.

No stickies today!

Wow, can you believe it that the only stickies I made were for the list of things I needed at the store!

What a day. I've been busy, but it's been uneventful. I'm a little less fuzzy today, but not quite burning on all possible brain cells. Ok...I must go watch Desperate Housewives and see what they think our world is like.

PDAs

Do men really keep track of all their sex on their PDAs?

Hmmmm just another thought!

Pinkies for the morning...Yes I switched

I was speaking to my mother this morning and it was after 7am..Wow. We're usually on the same page with our flying or sinking, but she told me I was flying this morning. I'm feeling extra creative. She cracked me up. She went to her doctor and he told her she needed Vicadin. She flatly told him no. To which she asked me, "Do I have a Vicodin face." We were laughing so hard. Yep. I'm flying.

I'm a little nuts this morning, but I'm embracing my insanity.

I'm thinking of switching to pink post its...

Just thought I'd throw that in about the pink post its. :) Yellow is so not me. Ok, so let's see. Today was just a good sane day.The fuzz has cleared and the brain is functioning on all cyllindars.

I have great great friends. We all need a Jane Conwell in our lives. She's so wonderful and she probably doesn't even know how much she has helped me in my life. On the way down...she was there and talking. On the way down....she listened and she helped me. On the way down...she was directing my things to do. All of that and she has a 3 year old and a newborn. One heck of an amazing woman and I'm lucky to call her friend. We need a yoga spa and some wonderful wine.

Tomorrow I'm switching to pink.

The sea of yellow...

Ok, so, the stickies are now in a binder. I bet I could get these together and write the book.
"THE" book of the fuzz. What a crazy ride....