This I know...

Time is our friend. This too shall be ok someday. I never knew this kind of pain was ever going to be so raw inside of my heart. I never knew someone I opened my up my soul so freely too and showed my vulnerability too would just carelessly throw me away without a good bye. Someone with compassion said those words to me.

My happiness will come around and my heart will be filled again. I deserve that happiness. I just need to mend what I've helped broken.

It's Karma. I hurt. I've been hurt. What goes up will come down...The pain is raw...but it will ease....the peace will eventually find it's way.
Mmmm...a hug could really go so far right about now...
Hugs and kisses..C

The fingers have a final flow to get out!

Thank god for my sense of humor, my ability to laugh, my brain, my HEALTH, no b&p,....and most important my wonderful beautiful children! I have a beautiful home..the ability to do anything I choose, a thriving mind, and I have loved in my life. I have been loved. I am loved.

I need to remember all of that. Plus...my brain isn't so fuzzy..lol..and Dr.C isn't on speed dial. Things will be ok eventually. I just need to wrap my brain around it. I can do it! I can do it!
Love and kisses...C

Curves and more curves...

I'm working on the curves. I guess they're good? What the hell was I talking about yesterday? My tummy is in knots. The fingers know it all. The secrets, the good, the joy, the pain...the me I don't know if I"m sure I want to face. Hmm. Now there's a thought.

I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to take a good hard look, but you know...the fear, the risk...that's when I've heard the greatest reward comes. Ugh! The throat is getting tighter!

Ok, so here's the thing. If I'm supposed to be the great friend, funny, wonderful, bright, cheery, blah blah...person...why do I accept crap. I know I'm worth more. I guess the thing is..I thought I found more. Lol. Funny. "It's ok Christie...Share...Don't be afraid...I know you never share you hold it in....it's ok....you can tell me anything.!!!!" What a fucking fool. It was all in the eyes. My heart needed to trust it...and so my brain followed.

And life goes on.....

Mmmm my coffee...

Ok, so here's what I'm really thinking this morning...

My coffee is good. Finally, a little coffee to enjoy. Something good to relax with while I wait to take the boy to school. Finally all of them will be back at school today.

My girly girls were off...and my boy is watching his tivo'd show while he waits to go to school. Z is kicking in and the coffee is accelerating all of it. What a few days. Yeah and some cinnamon coffee pops in my head. I need it to stop. What a fucking few years.

I got on the scale. What a sweet smaller number. No B&P. I did my yoga. Funny thing is my focus on self isn't even there. All these years the body has been my focus along with all the other selfish stuff...and now after being sick, the bd..and being the perfect damsel...the body once again is falling perfectly into balance. It always does. No throwing up this time. I hold my own power. I'm so mad. Hurt. Mad. Hurt. Mad. Hurt. Mad. No more Bullshit. I choose to walk away.

I always said I wanted to be the "one". The chosen one. Well, you know...I choose me. I say it...i don't quite believe it yet. I'll say it more and it will sink in. I miss my other half, though. That part no one can deny. I just have to move past it.

I'm hoping the writing will be cathartic.....
Xoxo
C

Suprises..

As my heart was breaking and I was having the pity party of all pity party I found a friend and someone to listen in the strangest of places. She listened, she heard me...she wanted to hear me. Thank you.

yoga...

I think I just need a little yoga....a nice glass of shiraz...and a little music.

When daughters become the mothers....

The calls, the complaints, the words come across....

She doesn't want to be here anymore. She feels that badly in her world.

Now what. It breaks my heart.

Curves...

Life has pefected the art of throwing curves when we most need them. It's easy to think it may be when we least need them, but those curves can save our lives. The gutt wrenching, breath taking, tear causing, emotional charged curves that run in the middle of our lives when we don't want or need them...are the same curves that can stop heartache in it's track.

The heart. We all want and need love. Is that our purpose? To find and to love. To love our children, our partners....ourselves. Only by knowing and feeling true unconditional love are we able to spread the compassion and carry on in life as good people.

Lots of pain has led the fingers to those words. It's time for honesty with myself. I know it's not about me....but you know....I need to start somewhere. No more Bullshit! I won't tolerate it!
Even as I type that I'm full of shit. I miss my sl. I miss everything. I don't know how to do this.
xoxo
C

Numb

I've just lost my best friend, or so it feels. I'm numb. Did my world stop? Was I dreaming? Am I that bad? There are no words. I'm just numb. Ugh. I'm sick. My pit is there. My lump is in the throat. I miss my friend already.